my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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