soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My ATM looks so different sober.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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