I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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