Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
