Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
