My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
