She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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