Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
