I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
