worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
