come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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