I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
