I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
