I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
