Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
did i just pee glitter
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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