You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Randomize
