remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
