she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
