You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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