remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
