I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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