I smell stomach acid.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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