im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
My ATM looks so different sober.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
