I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
