Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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