I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
