you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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