You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
