Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
