Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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