I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You brought string cheese to the strip club
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
