I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
