This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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