unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
