ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
