remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize