I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize