I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
