i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
