clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
