ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I didn't notice because vodka
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Randomize