Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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