Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You have to summon your inner elephant
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
