I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
