i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize