I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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