I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
