Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
