were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
