I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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