you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
