I feel great
I just peed on a car
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
