i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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