this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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