About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
