If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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