I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize