The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
