dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
