Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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