Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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