dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
why do cheetos always look like penises
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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