can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Randomize
