i permit you to call me
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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