my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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