Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
