You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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