I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize