What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
