Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Randomize