yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Your penis caused this!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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