You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize