its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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