Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
